adBlockCheck

Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women

SPOKANE, WA—After stumbling upon several pathetic, mostly one-way e-mail correspondences between her husband and other women, local real estate agent Gertrude Tisch said Monday she did not feel particularly threatened by the discovery, and actually held a certain amount of pity for her 22-year partner in marriage. "I'd say about 90 percent of the e-mails I found are just Greg trying to confirm receipt of his last message, because he hasn’t heard back from the woman yet," said Tisch, adding that she has half-entertained the idea of creating a fake account and writing him back herself, just to boost his spirits a little. "Then there's the e-mail to his high school crush where she wrote back saying she didn't remember who he was. I found a few attempted starts of a reply in his drafts folder, but the poor guy must have lost heart after a couple paragraphs.” While Tisch admitted she should probably feel more upset about her husband reaching out to other women, she said such concerns have been more than outweighed by the amazing sex she's been having with her boss for the past six months.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close