adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women

SPOKANE, WA—After stumbling upon several pathetic, mostly one-way e-mail correspondences between her husband and other women, local real estate agent Gertrude Tisch said Monday she did not feel particularly threatened by the discovery, and actually held a certain amount of pity for her 22-year partner in marriage. "I'd say about 90 percent of the e-mails I found are just Greg trying to confirm receipt of his last message, because he hasn’t heard back from the woman yet," said Tisch, adding that she has half-entertained the idea of creating a fake account and writing him back herself, just to boost his spirits a little. "Then there's the e-mail to his high school crush where she wrote back saying she didn't remember who he was. I found a few attempted starts of a reply in his drafts folder, but the poor guy must have lost heart after a couple paragraphs.” While Tisch admitted she should probably feel more upset about her husband reaching out to other women, she said such concerns have been more than outweighed by the amazing sex she's been having with her boss for the past six months.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close