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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women

SPOKANE, WA—After stumbling upon several pathetic, mostly one-way e-mail correspondences between her husband and other women, local real estate agent Gertrude Tisch said Monday she did not feel particularly threatened by the discovery, and actually held a certain amount of pity for her 22-year partner in marriage. "I'd say about 90 percent of the e-mails I found are just Greg trying to confirm receipt of his last message, because he hasn’t heard back from the woman yet," said Tisch, adding that she has half-entertained the idea of creating a fake account and writing him back herself, just to boost his spirits a little. "Then there's the e-mail to his high school crush where she wrote back saying she didn't remember who he was. I found a few attempted starts of a reply in his drafts folder, but the poor guy must have lost heart after a couple paragraphs.” While Tisch admitted she should probably feel more upset about her husband reaching out to other women, she said such concerns have been more than outweighed by the amazing sex she's been having with her boss for the past six months.

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