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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Wife's Needs Gross

EDINA, MN—Janice Fewless' sexual, emotional, and toiletry requirements are "really starting to get disgusting," her husband, Kenneth Fewless, told reporters Wednesday.

"Last week she asked me if I would look deep into her eyes when we're having sex and tell her how much I love her," said Fewless, whose own personal needs include watching baseball, planting vegetables in his backyard garden, and not being asked to pick up heavy-flow tampons for his wife. "Eww."

Fewless added that his wife's need for him to always pay attention to her when she is crying about something is too sickening even to consider.

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