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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Wife's Needs Gross

EDINA, MN—Janice Fewless' sexual, emotional, and toiletry requirements are "really starting to get disgusting," her husband, Kenneth Fewless, told reporters Wednesday.

"Last week she asked me if I would look deep into her eyes when we're having sex and tell her how much I love her," said Fewless, whose own personal needs include watching baseball, planting vegetables in his backyard garden, and not being asked to pick up heavy-flow tampons for his wife. "Eww."

Fewless added that his wife's need for him to always pay attention to her when she is crying about something is too sickening even to consider.

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