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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Wikipedia Users Surprised Nobody's Made Page For John Lennon Yet

SAN FRANCISCO—Users of the popular reference website Wikipedia were reportedly surprised this week upon discovering that the online encyclopedia contained no entry for Beatles co-founder and legendary singer-songwriter John Lennon. “John Lennon sold over a billion records and influenced an entire generation, so I guess I just figured he would have his own Wikipedia page,” said Collin Acker, 34, after clicking on a red link bearing Lennon’s name, which directed him to a page indicating that an entry on the iconic songwriter behind “All You Need Is Love” and “Imagine” did not exist but that he could create one. “All the other Beatles are on here. Hell, Yoko [Ono] is on here. Even Pete Best has 12 whole sections on his page. Huh.” At press time, Acker was reading the extensive Wikipedia page on musician Sean Lennon, which referred to his superstar father only once as “John Lennon, father, deceased.”

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