Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again

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Vol 46 Issue 33

NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes

WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league.

U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India

According to the head of the largest call center outsourcing firm in the country, the poor job market has made the cost of hiring a call center worker in the United States the same as hiring one in India.

Mysterious Crate Arrives From London

DOCKSIDE, NEW ENGLAND—Shipman and stevedore alike confirmed that the crate is unpleasantly cold to the touch, and none reportedly wished to remain in its presence for long.
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Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again

HOUMA, LA—Though her training qualifies her to clean any animal affected by the Gulf oil spill, wildlife rehabilitation volunteer Betsy Morris told reporters Tuesday that she somehow always ends up tending to the goddamn seagulls. "I really want to do my part to help, but I swear to God, I've had it with these things," Morris said as she used a soft toothbrush to loosen particles of encrusted oil from the eyes of her 14th gull of the morning. "They're cantankerous, they shit on you like crazy, and you have not heard shrieking until you've heard a gull shrieking from literally 6 inches in front of your face." At press time, Morris was seen gazing longingly at a fellow volunteer who was bathing a playful otter in warm, sudsy water.

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