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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again

HOUMA, LA—Though her training qualifies her to clean any animal affected by the Gulf oil spill, wildlife rehabilitation volunteer Betsy Morris told reporters Tuesday that she somehow always ends up tending to the goddamn seagulls. "I really want to do my part to help, but I swear to God, I've had it with these things," Morris said as she used a soft toothbrush to loosen particles of encrusted oil from the eyes of her 14th gull of the morning. "They're cantankerous, they shit on you like crazy, and you have not heard shrieking until you've heard a gull shrieking from literally 6 inches in front of your face." At press time, Morris was seen gazing longingly at a fellow volunteer who was bathing a playful otter in warm, sudsy water.

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