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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Wildlife Cleaning Volunteer Stuck With The Gulls Again

HOUMA, LA—Though her training qualifies her to clean any animal affected by the Gulf oil spill, wildlife rehabilitation volunteer Betsy Morris told reporters Tuesday that she somehow always ends up tending to the goddamn seagulls. "I really want to do my part to help, but I swear to God, I've had it with these things," Morris said as she used a soft toothbrush to loosen particles of encrusted oil from the eyes of her 14th gull of the morning. "They're cantankerous, they shit on you like crazy, and you have not heard shrieking until you've heard a gull shrieking from literally 6 inches in front of your face." At press time, Morris was seen gazing longingly at a fellow volunteer who was bathing a playful otter in warm, sudsy water.

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