adBlockCheck

Business

Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders

NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders. “We are proud to bring our customers the first bullet with a truly off-course trajectory, which carries with it our 100 percent ironclad guarantee that it will strike a helpless onlooker every time it is fired,” said Winchester spokesperson Daniel Vignale, emphasizing that the ballistics of the 9mm bullet had been expertly designed to allow the ammunition to careen far from a sighted target and into a nearby crowd. “You can load a single 9mm Winchester stray bullet into a pistol or revolver and know for certain that it will become lodged in an unsuspecting victim, or at the very least graze a passerby. Or, simply fire off numerous rounds in any direction and riddle every innocent person in sight with errant bullets.” Vignale confirmed that the Winchester 9mm stray bullets were also suitable for police and military use.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close