adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders

NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders. “We are proud to bring our customers the first bullet with a truly off-course trajectory, which carries with it our 100 percent ironclad guarantee that it will strike a helpless onlooker every time it is fired,” said Winchester spokesperson Daniel Vignale, emphasizing that the ballistics of the 9mm bullet had been expertly designed to allow the ammunition to careen far from a sighted target and into a nearby crowd. “You can load a single 9mm Winchester stray bullet into a pistol or revolver and know for certain that it will become lodged in an unsuspecting victim, or at the very least graze a passerby. Or, simply fire off numerous rounds in any direction and riddle every innocent person in sight with errant bullets.” Vignale confirmed that the Winchester 9mm stray bullets were also suitable for police and military use.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close