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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze

WASHINGTON—In a move to combat record-high temperatures and facilitate some much-needed cross-country ventilation, the Department of Housing and Urban Development announced Friday it had ordered the opening of two windows, one in San Francisco, CA and another in Virginia Beach, VA. “As we speak, a cool cross-breeze is sweeping eastward to bring relief throughout our stuffy 3.79 million square miles of interior,” said HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan, adding that those with air-conditioning should turn it off now to avoid wasting electricity. “While we’ve heard reports of more flies coming into the central states at night, we feel that’s a price worth paying to prevent people from having to sleep on top of the sheets.” As of press time, the transcontinental breeze had decreased considerably after the window in San Francisco was shut to keep out street noise.

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