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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Wine Glasses, Burnt-Down Candles, Strewn Rose Petals Suggest Dolphins Courting Pete Carroll

MIAMI—Although Dolphins officials are being coy—some say almost coquettish—about whether or not they met with Pete Carroll concerning their open coaching position, the remnants of a tray of chocolate-dipped strawberries, several half-melted floating candles, and 54 near-empty wine glasses in the Dolphin Stadium players' lounge suggest the organization is seriously wooing the USC head coach. "Miami planned this whole elaborate night to show Pete that they were genuinely interested in him: the stadium lights were dimmed, soft Al Green music was piping out of the PA system, and there was a trail of unwound athletic tape, hastily discarded football jerseys, and kicked-off cleats leading all the way to the Dolphins' team bedroom," ESPN analyst Len Pasquarelli said. "If everything goes smoothly, this deal should be done by the end of this upcoming lost weekend." Some eyewitnesses, however, claim they saw an unshaven, visibly upset Carroll stomp his way to a waiting taxi outside Dolphin Stadium at 4 a.m. after Bill Cowher allegedly showed up to thank the Dolphins for the box of chocolates they sent him.

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