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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Winner Of World Cup Hammered Out Just In Time For Tournament

SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL—With only hours to go before Thursday’s opening match between Brazil and Croatia, sources confirmed that FIFA officials managed to hammer out the winner of the World Cup just in time for the tournament. “It was a close call, but we finally ironed out which country will win the World Cup on July 13,” FIFA president Sepp Blatter told reporters, emphasizing that while he and his colleagues had procrastinated in fixing the results of all 64 matches, the tournament organizers, referees, and the coaches and players from every team are “fully on board” with the predetermined outcomes following extensive negotiations. “I can’t reveal too much right now, but I can assure you that this tournament is going to feature huge upsets, thrilling stoppage time goals, and more than a few surprises for the fans. It’s going to be a wonderful World Cup.” Blatter added that he was eager to avoid a repeat of the 2010 World Cup, in which several matches were played without a winner having been previously determined, resulting in hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost bribes.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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