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Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight

RICHMOND, VA—According to numerous sources nationwide, the winning lottery numbers in Wednesday night’s $448 million Powerball Jackpot are, in hindsight, completely and maddeningly self-evident. “Jesus Christ, 58-5-25-59-30 and powerball 32! Of course!” said Richmond local Alexis Tavish, 41, noting that those particular numbers were a “total layup” and were practically staring her in the face the whole time. “How could I be so stupid? That 58 at the beginning? Talk about a gimme. And don’t even get me started on the 25 or the 30. I mean, in retrospect, what other numbers could they have been?” Sources confirmed that next time they will definitely just think for another second or two before picking the winning numbers.

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