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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight

RICHMOND, VA—According to numerous sources nationwide, the winning lottery numbers in Wednesday night’s $448 million Powerball Jackpot are, in hindsight, completely and maddeningly self-evident. “Jesus Christ, 58-5-25-59-30 and powerball 32! Of course!” said Richmond local Alexis Tavish, 41, noting that those particular numbers were a “total layup” and were practically staring her in the face the whole time. “How could I be so stupid? That 58 at the beginning? Talk about a gimme. And don’t even get me started on the 25 or the 30. I mean, in retrospect, what other numbers could they have been?” Sources confirmed that next time they will definitely just think for another second or two before picking the winning numbers.

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