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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Winter Meetings Heat Up With Rumors That Hotel Has An Indoor Pool

DALLAS—Team owners across the major leagues were galvanized Monday by news that the Hilton Anatole hotel, which will host professional baseball's official 2011 winter meetings, may feature an indoor pool. "Aw, man, I'm totally gonna bring my trunks," said Cleveland Indians general manager Chris Antonetti, adding that he hopes the pool is "one of those ones where half is indoors and the other half is outdoors." "I'm definitely spending all my time in there. And I'm gonna splash [Boston Red Sox owner] John Henry if he walks by, because he ought to be in the pool anyway." A spokesman for the Hilton Anatole confirmed the hotel features two indoor pools, plus an outdoor pool with a swim-up bar, and has been the site of baseball's winter meetings six previous times.

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