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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Winter Olympics Inspire Nation’s Youth To Try Sports Their Parents Can’t Afford

WASHINGTON—Inspired by the breathtaking acrobatics and death-defying high speeds of Winter Olympics events, the nation’s youth were reportedly motivated this week to go out and try sports their parents could never possibly afford. “Cool, I can’t wait to hit the slopes and do that,” said 15-year-old Davenport, IA resident Eric Wallace, echoing the sentiment of young people across the country whose families can’t pay for the highly specialized equipment and clothing, beginner instructions at expensive training facilities, participation fees, extensive travel, lift tickets, or inevitable medical bills. “It’s going to be amazing when I’m flying across the snow and flipping around in the air like Shaun White.” Though concerned about shelling out at least $3,000 before their children ever step foot on snow or ice, the nation’s parents were reportedly excited about the money they would inevitably save when American youths immediately quit the sports after complaining they were too difficult.

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