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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Winter Olympics Inspire Nation’s Youth To Try Sports Their Parents Can’t Afford

WASHINGTON—Inspired by the breathtaking acrobatics and death-defying high speeds of Winter Olympics events, the nation’s youth were reportedly motivated this week to go out and try sports their parents could never possibly afford. “Cool, I can’t wait to hit the slopes and do that,” said 15-year-old Davenport, IA resident Eric Wallace, echoing the sentiment of young people across the country whose families can’t pay for the highly specialized equipment and clothing, beginner instructions at expensive training facilities, participation fees, extensive travel, lift tickets, or inevitable medical bills. “It’s going to be amazing when I’m flying across the snow and flipping around in the air like Shaun White.” Though concerned about shelling out at least $3,000 before their children ever step foot on snow or ice, the nation’s parents were reportedly excited about the money they would inevitably save when American youths immediately quit the sports after complaining they were too difficult.

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