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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Winter Storm Threatens Homeless Man’s Plans To Survive Over Thanksgiving

SYRACUSE, NY—Following reports of a severe winter storm system threatening to pummel several areas of the nation’s Northeast, Syracuse-area homeless citizen Randall Limpkin told reporters today the impending storm could very well threaten his plans to survive over Thanksgiving. “They said the storm’s supposed to be at its worst on Wednesday, which is definitely going to completely disrupt my plan of not freezing to death on a barren city street during the holiday weekend,” said Limpkin, adding that he had been planning as early as August to live over Thanksgiving. “I mean, I was really looking forward to being alive this Thanksgiving, but I guess with this weather you can’t really plan to not die, you know?” At press time, Limpkin told reporters that, regardless of what happened, he was definitely not planning on surviving over Christmas.

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