Winterizing Tips

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What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work
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  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Winterizing Tips

The season of sledding and snowmen, winter can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:

Shoveling driveway
  • If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open
    your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity
  • Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home
  • Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages
  • Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices
  • This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax
  • Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by
    visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light
  • If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat
    your dogsled team
  • Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn
  • Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will
    prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold
  • Grow thick layer of fur on body
  • Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles
  • Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time
  • If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along
    plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case"
  • Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw
  • Save fatty parts of whales and seals as fuel
  • Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy