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Tips

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Wedding Guest Etiquette Tips

Attending a wedding comes with its own set of social graces. The Onion provides a list of basic rules of etiquette for being a polite, congenial wedding guest

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations

Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing the perfect baby shower

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

SAT Prep Tips

The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Winterizing Tips

The season of sledding and snowmen, winter can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:

Shoveling driveway
  • If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open
    your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity
  • Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home
  • Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages
  • Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices
  • This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax
  • Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by
    visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light
  • If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat
    your dogsled team
  • Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn
  • Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will
    prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold
  • Grow thick layer of fur on body
  • Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles
  • Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time
  • If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along
    plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case"
  • Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw
  • Save fatty parts of whales and seals as fuel
  • Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy

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