Winterizing Tips

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Productivity

Winterizing Tips

The season of sledding and snowmen, winter can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:

Shoveling driveway
  • If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open
    your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity
  • Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home
  • Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages
  • Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices
  • This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax
  • Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by
    visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light
  • If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat
    your dogsled team
  • Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn
  • Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will
    prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold
  • Grow thick layer of fur on body
  • Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles
  • Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time
  • If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along
    plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case"
  • Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw
  • Save fatty parts of whales and seals as fuel
  • Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy
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