Winterizing Tips

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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  • Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

    DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Winterizing Tips

Winter, the season of sledding and snowmen, can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold:

  • If your heat is turned off, remember: In a pinch you can cut open your fat spouse and sleep in his/her 98.6° abdominal cavity.
  • Use phrases like "I love you" and "You are special to me" to create warm feelings in home.
  • Check anti-freeze level if ice build-up becomes a problem in beverages.
  • Be sure to caulk all drafty orifices.
  • This winter, heat things up with "Red-Hot Friday Late-Nites" on Cinemax.
  • Encase your car battery in a warm glow of positive reinforcement by visualizing it bathed in a nurturing, healing light.
  • If absolutely necessary, it is considered acceptable to slay and eat your dogsled team.
  • Heat comes from fire; make sure your house is made of materials that burn.
  • Cover your home stereo system with weather-resistant tape—this will prevent Old Man Edgar Winter from gaining a foothold.
  • Grow thick layer of fur on body.
  • Cover tongue with special Gore-Tex sock before tasting icy metal poles.
  • Enjoy a hot beverage from time to time.
  • If flying above the Andes Mountains this winter season, bring along plenty of extra Paraguayan soccer players "just in case."
  • Plug up crevices of house with mixture of sheep dung and straw.
  • Save fatty parts of whales and seals to use as fuel.
  • Master the art of hibernation by developing an enzyme that breaks down urea and other potentially poisonous chemicals created by the body during dormancy.