Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change

Top Headlines

Local

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change

Four of the enlightened sages wonder where their sugar cookies are.
Four of the enlightened sages wonder where their sugar cookies are.

GLENS FALLS, NY—An esteemed high council of elders gathered in the hushed chambers of the Hillside Assisted Living Center this week to determine the fate of Wanda Drexler, a 43-year-old day nurse suspected of stealing loose change from atop various dressers and nightstands.

The venerable tribunal, which convenes every day for Social Time, was reportedly alerted to the grave transgression at 11:30 a.m. Following a luncheon feast of turkey meatloaf and steamed mixed vegetables, the Nine Great Sages delivered their unanimous ruling.

The accused, Wanda Drexler.

"She took it," intoned learned elder and high council leader Bernard Goldman, speaking from his cushioned seat in the Hillside activities lounge. "She came into my room when I was getting my bath and she took my change. And then she turned down the thermostat when I wasn't looking."

Added the wise man, "It's cold in my room now."

Trusted consul and word-search enthusiast Ruth Wurster immediately concurred.

"Oh, that awful woman—-she doesn't fool me, not for a second," Wurster declared. "There were two quarters in my purse before and now they're gone. I want them back. I want my quarters back!"

The assembled elders then murmured their agreement in sage, muted tones.

The council, whose judicious members have a combined 754 years of worldly knowledge and experience, have delivered a number of solemn proclamations in recent months, including soundly reasoned decrees on issues such as pillow placement, what day today is, and why everyone on the television is so rude all the time.

Sources said the august body, whose members defer only to the rules of the Hillside events calendar and their visiting grandchildren, have been troubled greatly by the developing day nurse situation, often pondering the matter until well into the 6 p.m. movie.

"No, no, not the Oriental nurse, the colored one," elder Tom Stansell said before shutting his eyes and somberly bowing his head in silence for the next 35 minutes. "Always telling me what to do. I have rights, you know."

In addition to the coin thefts, Hillside day nurse Wanda Drexler also faces judgment from the council on a wide-ranging list of grievous offenses, from trying to turn their families against them, to not speaking up.

"I asked her for more tapioca pudding after dinner and she said no," professed elder Mary Lou Stevenson in a stern address to her fellow council members. "I'm a grown woman, for Pete's sake, I can have tapioca pudding whenever I damn well please."

"And I don't want my slippers by the door—if she puts them by the door then I can't reach them from my bed and my feet get cold," Stevenson continued. "She's a very clumsy woman. I don't like her at all."

Having carefully reached its verdict after much thoughtful deliberation, the council of elders determined that severe reprisals would almost certainly be in order, and that the day nurse would need to be held accountable for her unconscionable actions.

However, when confronted by revered elder Donald Roeder with the serious charges brought against her, the accused offered little in the way of contrition.

"Now, now, Mr. Roeder," Drexler said as she placed an electric blanket over the venerable sage's arms and chest. "That's enough for tonight."