GLENS FALLS, NY—An esteemed high council of elders gathered in the hushed chambers of the Hillside Assisted Living Center this week to determine the fate of Wanda Drexler, a 43-year-old day nurse suspected of stealing loose change from atop various dressers and nightstands.
The venerable tribunal, which convenes every day for Social Time, was reportedly alerted to the grave transgression at 11:30 a.m. Following a luncheon feast of turkey meatloaf and steamed mixed vegetables, the Nine Great Sages delivered their unanimous ruling.
"She took it," intoned learned elder and high council leader Bernard Goldman, speaking from his cushioned seat in the Hillside activities lounge. "She came into my room when I was getting my bath and she took my change. And then she turned down the thermostat when I wasn't looking."
Added the wise man, "It's cold in my room now."
Trusted consul and word-search enthusiast Ruth Wurster immediately concurred.
"Oh, that awful woman—-she doesn't fool me, not for a second," Wurster declared. "There were two quarters in my purse before and now they're gone. I want them back. I want my quarters back!"
The assembled elders then murmured their agreement in sage, muted tones.
The council, whose judicious members have a combined 754 years of worldly knowledge and experience, have delivered a number of solemn proclamations in recent months, including soundly reasoned decrees on issues such as pillow placement, what day today is, and why everyone on the television is so rude all the time.
Sources said the august body, whose members defer only to the rules of the Hillside events calendar and their visiting grandchildren, have been troubled greatly by the developing day nurse situation, often pondering the matter until well into the 6 p.m. movie.
"No, no, not the Oriental nurse, the colored one," elder Tom Stansell said before shutting his eyes and somberly bowing his head in silence for the next 35 minutes. "Always telling me what to do. I have rights, you know."
In addition to the coin thefts, Hillside day nurse Wanda Drexler also faces judgment from the council on a wide-ranging list of grievous offenses, from trying to turn their families against them, to not speaking up.
"I asked her for more tapioca pudding after dinner and she said no," professed elder Mary Lou Stevenson in a stern address to her fellow council members. "I'm a grown woman, for Pete's sake, I can have tapioca pudding whenever I damn well please."
"And I don't want my slippers by the door—if she puts them by the door then I can't reach them from my bed and my feet get cold," Stevenson continued. "She's a very clumsy woman. I don't like her at all."
Having carefully reached its verdict after much thoughtful deliberation, the council of elders determined that severe reprisals would almost certainly be in order, and that the day nurse would need to be held accountable for her unconscionable actions.
However, when confronted by revered elder Donald Roeder with the serious charges brought against her, the accused offered little in the way of contrition.
"Now, now, Mr. Roeder," Drexler said as she placed an electric blanket over the venerable sage's arms and chest. "That's enough for tonight."