adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reading the signs written in the world around him to divine the course of events as yet unfolded, wise local oracle Phillip McKenna foresaw the arrival of ill weather at a neighborhood barbecue Monday and uttered a sharp warning to those gathered, eyewitnesses said. “Uh-oh. I just felt a raindrop, guys,” the sage prognosticator declared to all, holding aloft his dampened wrist as testimony to his omen as he gazed into the heavens and interpreted its silent teachings. “It’s looking pretty gray. Maybe we ought to get the food inside?” At last report, the discovery of condensation falling from an air conditioner had unmasked McKenna as a false prophet.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close