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Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

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BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

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Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
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Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reading the signs written in the world around him to divine the course of events as yet unfolded, wise local oracle Phillip McKenna foresaw the arrival of ill weather at a neighborhood barbecue Monday and uttered a sharp warning to those gathered, eyewitnesses said. “Uh-oh. I just felt a raindrop, guys,” the sage prognosticator declared to all, holding aloft his dampened wrist as testimony to his omen as he gazed into the heavens and interpreted its silent teachings. “It’s looking pretty gray. Maybe we ought to get the food inside?” At last report, the discovery of condensation falling from an air conditioner had unmasked McKenna as a false prophet.

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