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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Wise Oracle Proclaims To All At Barbecue That He Felt A Raindrop

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reading the signs written in the world around him to divine the course of events as yet unfolded, wise local oracle Phillip McKenna foresaw the arrival of ill weather at a neighborhood barbecue Monday and uttered a sharp warning to those gathered, eyewitnesses said. “Uh-oh. I just felt a raindrop, guys,” the sage prognosticator declared to all, holding aloft his dampened wrist as testimony to his omen as he gazed into the heavens and interpreted its silent teachings. “It’s looking pretty gray. Maybe we ought to get the food inside?” At last report, the discovery of condensation falling from an air conditioner had unmasked McKenna as a false prophet.

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