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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'With Binomials, Just Remember FOIL,' Reports Man Keeping Teens From Having Sex Between 2:30 And 3:20

BEDFORD, NY—"When multiplying binomials, just remember the acronym FOIL," a man said Friday, thereby preventing a classroom of teenagers from engaging in rampant, uncontrolled sexual intercourse for the 50-minute period between 2:30 and 3:20 p.m. "It's easy: The product of two binomials is the sum of the products of the first terms, the outer terms, the inner terms, and the last terms," explained the man, unaware that if he were to turn off his overhead projector and leave the room the rush of hormones coursing through the 16-year-olds would cause them to strip off their clothes and start rutting like animals. "Come on, guys, I know it's last period, but try and stay with me here." With 15 minutes to go, the man stressed the fundamental importance of the mathematical concept to a group of teens busy mentally ranking which classmates they'd most like to fuck.

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