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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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'With Binomials, Just Remember FOIL,' Reports Man Keeping Teens From Having Sex Between 2:30 And 3:20

BEDFORD, NY—"When multiplying binomials, just remember the acronym FOIL," a man said Friday, thereby preventing a classroom of teenagers from engaging in rampant, uncontrolled sexual intercourse for the 50-minute period between 2:30 and 3:20 p.m. "It's easy: The product of two binomials is the sum of the products of the first terms, the outer terms, the inner terms, and the last terms," explained the man, unaware that if he were to turn off his overhead projector and leave the room the rush of hormones coursing through the 16-year-olds would cause them to strip off their clothes and start rutting like animals. "Come on, guys, I know it's last period, but try and stay with me here." With 15 minutes to go, the man stressed the fundamental importance of the mathematical concept to a group of teens busy mentally ranking which classmates they'd most like to fuck.

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