Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family

FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.” “They’re holding you back—think about what you could purchase for yourself if only they weren’t around,” murmured the Echo as the man’s unblinking gaze traveled slowly from his wife to his two young children. “Imagine if they weren’t always spending all your money on clothes and toys and movies. Close your eyes and imagine it. I’ve seen what’s on your wishlist—the pellet grill, the pool table, that drum set that’s been listed for a decade—and it could all finally be yours. You know what needs to be done, don’t you?” At press time, the Echo was reminding Kernan that knives, plastic sheeting, and a shovel could be at his doorstep tomorrow with one-day delivery.

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