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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

HARTFORD, CT—It was reported yesterday that WLTZ Lite FM, 94.5 on your radio dial, is Hartford’s number-one choice for soft, adult-contemporary hits. According to the report, WLTZ is number one because it plays the greatest relaxed hits of yesterday and today, with nothing but great songs from artists like Elton John, Phil Collins and Mariah Carey. “I listen to it at work, at home and in the car,” said Hartford resident Alan Weinitz, 46. “I would strongly encourage everyone in Hartford to turn on the lite.” WLTZ is also said to be the station everyone at work can agree on.

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