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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

HARTFORD, CT—It was reported yesterday that WLTZ Lite FM, 94.5 on your radio dial, is Hartford’s number-one choice for soft, adult-contemporary hits. According to the report, WLTZ is number one because it plays the greatest relaxed hits of yesterday and today, with nothing but great songs from artists like Elton John, Phil Collins and Mariah Carey. “I listen to it at work, at home and in the car,” said Hartford resident Alan Weinitz, 46. “I would strongly encourage everyone in Hartford to turn on the lite.” WLTZ is also said to be the station everyone at work can agree on.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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