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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

HARTFORD, CT—It was reported yesterday that WLTZ Lite FM, 94.5 on your radio dial, is Hartford’s number-one choice for soft, adult-contemporary hits. According to the report, WLTZ is number one because it plays the greatest relaxed hits of yesterday and today, with nothing but great songs from artists like Elton John, Phil Collins and Mariah Carey. “I listen to it at work, at home and in the car,” said Hartford resident Alan Weinitz, 46. “I would strongly encourage everyone in Hartford to turn on the lite.” WLTZ is also said to be the station everyone at work can agree on.

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