adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

HARTFORD, CT—It was reported yesterday that WLTZ Lite FM, 94.5 on your radio dial, is Hartford’s number-one choice for soft, adult-contemporary hits. According to the report, WLTZ is number one because it plays the greatest relaxed hits of yesterday and today, with nothing but great songs from artists like Elton John, Phil Collins and Mariah Carey. “I listen to it at work, at home and in the car,” said Hartford resident Alan Weinitz, 46. “I would strongly encourage everyone in Hartford to turn on the lite.” WLTZ is also said to be the station everyone at work can agree on.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close