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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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WMDs Found

TEHRAN, IRAN (June 19)—The U.S. military's long search for weapons of mass destruction ended Wednesday when state officials in North Korea and Iran admitted to having nuclear-weapons programs.

Missiles capable of transporting nuclear warheads discovered in Iran (top) and North Korea.

"Our uranium-enrichment program is part of our plan to make Iran a nuclear state," Iranian foreign minister Kamal Kharazi said. "The U.S. wishes to remove nuclear capabilities from our hands as a way of achieving their ultimate goal: the collapse of the ruling Islamic establishment."

North Korean Vice-Foreign Minister Paek Nam Sum said North Korea resumed its plutonium-reprocessing program as a part of its plan to produce nuclear weapons.

"The United States is correct: Weapons of mass destruction are falling into the hands of their enemies," Paek said. "My country has been reprocessing plutonium ever since the U.S. withdrew from an aid agreement after accusing North Korea of enriching uranium. Consider the situation highly destabilized."

Paek's statements echoed those of Mohamed ElBaradei, director general of the IAEA, who said several months ago that he believed North Korea may have built between four and six nuclear bombs.

Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed relief that the long and difficult hunt for WMDs is finally over.

"These discoveries show us that the U.S. was right all along—dangerous nations do harbor nuclear intentions," Powell said. "Given our suspicions that hardline elements within the Iranian regime were in league with senior al-Qaeda officials, the invasion of Iraq has finally been vindicated."

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