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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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WMDs Found

TEHRAN, IRAN (June 19)—The U.S. military's long search for weapons of mass destruction ended Wednesday when state officials in North Korea and Iran admitted to having nuclear-weapons programs.

Missiles capable of transporting nuclear warheads discovered in Iran (top) and North Korea.

"Our uranium-enrichment program is part of our plan to make Iran a nuclear state," Iranian foreign minister Kamal Kharazi said. "The U.S. wishes to remove nuclear capabilities from our hands as a way of achieving their ultimate goal: the collapse of the ruling Islamic establishment."

North Korean Vice-Foreign Minister Paek Nam Sum said North Korea resumed its plutonium-reprocessing program as a part of its plan to produce nuclear weapons.

"The United States is correct: Weapons of mass destruction are falling into the hands of their enemies," Paek said. "My country has been reprocessing plutonium ever since the U.S. withdrew from an aid agreement after accusing North Korea of enriching uranium. Consider the situation highly destabilized."

Paek's statements echoed those of Mohamed ElBaradei, director general of the IAEA, who said several months ago that he believed North Korea may have built between four and six nuclear bombs.

Secretary of State Colin Powell expressed relief that the long and difficult hunt for WMDs is finally over.

"These discoveries show us that the U.S. was right all along—dangerous nations do harbor nuclear intentions," Powell said. "Given our suspicions that hardline elements within the Iranian regime were in league with senior al-Qaeda officials, the invasion of Iraq has finally been vindicated."

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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