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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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WNBA Draft To Double As Bachelorette Auction

NEW YORK—In order to stimulate interest in the WNBA and allow its fans to get to know the sport's rising stars in a more intimate setting, the 2006 player draft will double as a charity bachelorette auction, with all the proceeds going directly to the cash-strapped league. The WNBA is billing the event as a showcase of talented, interesting, and fun women who would be great catches for a team in need of some offense or anyone who's free next Saturday night. "Seimone Augustus is going to go high, both in the draft and the bidding," WNBA analyst Ann Meyers said, referring to the 6'1" LSU forward who averaged 20.1 points per game and is always up for a good horror flick. "But watch out for Monique Currie, the Duke star with a dominant court presence and a love of pizza and just hanging out, as she is an impact player on and off the court." Meyers added that, with a total of 42 players expected to be selected and bid on over the draft's three rounds, every single WNBA fan should be able to win at least one date.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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