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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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WNBA Title Only Makes Indianapolis That Much More Bleak

INDIANAPOLIS—The Indiana Fever captured their first ever WNBA championship Sunday night with an 87-78 win over the Minnesota Lynx, an accomplishment that has reportedly only served to make the city of Indianapolis that much more miserable. “Jesus Christ, this joyless town really didn’t need this,” said Indianapolis native Rebecca Dynes, adding that the state’s capital city was depressing enough without anyone calling it the “home of the WNBA-champion Indiana Fever.” “On top of a famous race track, a nonexistent nightlife, and our sorry excuse for a skyline, now we have a WNBA title to be ashamed of too? Plus, you know it won’t be long before those pitiful victory boards start popping up next to every dismal highway.” At press time, city officials confirmed they had approved plans to rename a downtown street “Fever Boulevard.”

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