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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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WNBA Title Only Makes Indianapolis That Much More Bleak

INDIANAPOLIS—The Indiana Fever captured their first ever WNBA championship Sunday night with an 87-78 win over the Minnesota Lynx, an accomplishment that has reportedly only served to make the city of Indianapolis that much more miserable. “Jesus Christ, this joyless town really didn’t need this,” said Indianapolis native Rebecca Dynes, adding that the state’s capital city was depressing enough without anyone calling it the “home of the WNBA-champion Indiana Fever.” “On top of a famous race track, a nonexistent nightlife, and our sorry excuse for a skyline, now we have a WNBA title to be ashamed of too? Plus, you know it won’t be long before those pitiful victory boards start popping up next to every dismal highway.” At press time, city officials confirmed they had approved plans to rename a downtown street “Fever Boulevard.”

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