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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Wolf Blitzer Decks Boston Man Who Hasn’t Been Healed By Red Sox Baseball

BOSTON—In a CNN segment titled “The Healing Power of Sports,” a visibly angered Wolf Blitzer reportedly decked a Boston man Sunday who claimed that, while Red Sox baseball was certainly a welcome distraction from the events of last week’s bombing, it hasn’t relieved him of his tremendous sadness and grief. “What do you mean you aren’t completely healed? The team you love played a baseball game! Feel better!” said a frustrated Blitzer, who told the man he was “ruining the feel-good narrative we’re trying to construct” before delivering a hard right cross to his face. “Baseball means normalcy, so you should feel normal now. You got the National Anthem, David Ortiz gave a rousing speech, people yelled ‘Get your hot dog here!’ What more do you need to get over the fact that your freedom and liberty were taken away in an instant?” Before falling unconscious, the beaten man reportedly managed to answer Blitzer by saying, “Time.”

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