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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Wolf Blitzer Decks Boston Man Who Hasn’t Been Healed By Red Sox Baseball

BOSTON—In a CNN segment titled “The Healing Power of Sports,” a visibly angered Wolf Blitzer reportedly decked a Boston man Sunday who claimed that, while Red Sox baseball was certainly a welcome distraction from the events of last week’s bombing, it hasn’t relieved him of his tremendous sadness and grief. “What do you mean you aren’t completely healed? The team you love played a baseball game! Feel better!” said a frustrated Blitzer, who told the man he was “ruining the feel-good narrative we’re trying to construct” before delivering a hard right cross to his face. “Baseball means normalcy, so you should feel normal now. You got the National Anthem, David Ortiz gave a rousing speech, people yelled ‘Get your hot dog here!’ What more do you need to get over the fact that your freedom and liberty were taken away in an instant?” Before falling unconscious, the beaten man reportedly managed to answer Blitzer by saying, “Time.”

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