After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Woman Already Off To Bad Start As Mother After Requesting Epidural

COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child. According to accounts, McBride took the easy way out by asking doctors to administer a pain reliever minutes before going into active labor with her son, proving that she simply isn’t cut out for the challenges of motherhood. Reports indicate that the weak-willed McBride, who could have started her maternal years on the right foot by putting in the effort necessary to withstand the physical discomfort, instead dropped the ball during her very first moments as a parent by taking anesthesia that would render her completely detached from her child’s entry into the world. Sources then expressed their deepest sympathies for McBride’s newborn son, Joshua, after his negligent mother sat around doing nothing and had to rely on someone else to clear her baby’s blocked airway rather than take care of her child’s problem herself.

After Birth

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