adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Always Dreamed Of Opening Her Own Sparsely Attended Dance Studio

Caslin says running her very own financially struggling dance studio is “like a dream come true.”
Caslin says running her very own financially struggling dance studio is “like a dream come true.”

PORTLAND, ME—Looking on proudly as her afternoon tap class got underway with only three paying students, local DanceWorks studio owner Hayley Caslin expressed a deep sense of satisfaction to reporters Thursday at achieving her lifelong dream of running a poorly attended, unprofitable dance school.

“Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to open my own dance studio that offers a variety of ballet, modern, and jazz classes, most of which I have to cancel because not a single person enrolls,” Caslin said, flipping through the week’s mostly blank appointment book. “I feel so fortunate. It really is a dream come true to work frantically 90 hours a week for absolutely no tangible results, and then have to fire the instructors I just recently hired because I’m literally forced to choose between retaining them and keeping the lights on.”

“Just a year ago, I could have never imagined I’d leave my promising dance career in New York, come back home, and sink my life savings into a studio space that’s so bare and empty that the sight of it makes even interested potential patrons uncomfortable,” she continued. “But look at me now: I’m two months behind on rent and I’ve made myself physically ill from stress and lack of sleep. It’s like a fairytale.”

According to Caslin, realizing her dream of owning such a financial disaster has not come easily. The entrepreneur said she has put in months of dedication and perseverance to make her vision a reality, working late seven days a week and promoting her studio at dozens of school activity fairs and local events where she is routinely ignored, all the while having to constantly convince herself that she did not make the worst decision of her career.

Caslin stated, however, that the feeling she receives from running her own unsuccessful business has far exceeded her dreams. As the sole proprietor of the failing establishment, she said she considers herself “blessed” to spend all of her waking hours surreptitiously slipping promotional flyers under windshield wipers around town, begging students from her free introductory classes to come back again, and calling the local utility companies to ask if they would not mind waiting several days to cash her checks.

“It’s the little things that make me pinch myself and realize all my hopes and wishes have come true,” Caslin said. “Things like failing to sell any Groupons even at 90 percent off, or losing old friends because they’re tired of me pestering them to spread the word about my studio, or adding morning classes only to realize too late that they don’t work with most peoples’ schedules—this is the culmination of everything I’ve worked so hard for.”

“But when you start getting angry calls from parents asking when the recitals are, except there is no recital because you don’t have any money to rent out a venue, that’s when you know you’ve really made it,” she added, smiling.

Caslin said that she often can’t believe that she was able to turn her childhood fantasy of tying her entire future to a failing choreography studio into a reality. According to the woman who is now $50,000 in debt, goals that once seemed out of reach, like having to call her mother and father to ask them for another loan and hearing them reply “Fine, but this is the last one,” are now commonplace in her daily life.

Telling reporters that she is now “dreaming even bigger,” Caslin confirmed her desire to invest further money she does not have into new equipment to compete with several established dance studios that already more than adequately fill the small city’s demand for dance lessons, as well as possibly hiring a contractor to expand her studio space so that her classes feel even emptier.

“It’s been a wild ride, and I feel like it’s just getting started,” she said, pausing momentarily to turn away the third walk-in this week by saying, “No, I’m sorry, we don’t offer Zumba.” “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean the bathrooms myself, and then gracefully invite myself over to a friend’s house to dinner so I’ll have something to eat tonight.”

Added Caslin, “Just like I always imagined.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings