Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In

Castlen toasts to single life in the same bar she celebrated her engagement in.
Castlen toasts to single life in the same bar she celebrated her engagement in.

KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she "couldn't be happier" with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single.

"Free at last!" Castlen said, nearly a year to the day after she informed several coworkers that she was emotionally ready to settle down and have children. "It's like this giant weight has been lifted off me and I can finally breathe. I'm just going to enjoy this time alone and do all those things I was dying to do when I was bogged down with [ex-boyfriend] Brandon [Weiter]."

According to friends, Castlen has expressed nearly identical feelings of elation upon returning to the dating scene, entering the initial phase of monogamous courtship, getting back together with an ex-boyfriend, developing a crush on a coworker, going on a series of blind dates, trying an open relationship, trying a long- distance relationship, and meeting a guy in a bar and having a passionate fling that she doesn't expect to go anywhere.

"When Ann was dating Brandon, she would never stop gushing about how sweet he is, and how he 'might be the one,'" said Castlen's friend and former college roommate Bridget Mauresco. "I thought she'd be crushed when they broke up. But the next day, she's going on and on about how 'amazing' it is to be able to stay out late without having to call somebody to check in."

"I haven't seen Ann this happy since she and Brandon promised to give their relationship one more shot two weeks ago," Mauresco added.

The newly single Castlen said she is delighted to finally have the chance to achieve several personal goals that she had no time to concentrate on while in a relationship, such as painting her apartment, catching up on the past three seasons of Project Runway, and training to run a marathon. According to Castlen, she plans to embrace the "me time" offered by singledom until she is ready to date again, at which point she will become overjoyed by the exhilarating feeling of a blossoming romance and repeatedly claim that she "deserves to be spoiled" by a nice guy for a while.

"I'm so happy right now!" said Castlen, who uttered these same exact words after Weiter first said 'I love you' to her, during the period in which she and Weiter underwent a brief split and were seeing other people, and when she had to choose between two boys who had crushes on her at sixth-grade summer camp.

Despite reporting no significant changes in living situation, availability of free time, job security, financial independence, or self-confidence since last Wednesday—when she told friends she was relieved to have finally escaped the bar scene—Castlen said she is now at the "best point in [her] life" to be single, and has already called her friend Mara Delung to arrange a night out to meet available men at Snooker's Pub.

"Last time I talked to Ann, she tried to set me up with one of her boyfriend's friends so I could 'have some stability in my life,'" Delung said. "Then she calls me yesterday and asks if speed dating is still a thing. Apparently, she's always wanted to try it but just couldn't when she was stuck with Brandon."

Added Delung, "Weren't they buying a house together?"

Having such an optimistic outlook on her love life is not uncommon for Castlen, who since reaching dating age has undergone more than 23 changes in relationship status, ranging from long-term abstinence to a brief but intense affair with a married man. The 26-year-old has also celebrated three serious relationships that lasted the perfect length of time, five just-what-she-needed dumpings, two hookups with ex-boyfriends that "gave her closure," and an abruptly canceled engagement that Castlen said she couldn't have planned better herself.

"I'm glad Ann's finally doing what makes her happy," ex-boyfriend Sam Lorz said. "She's a great girl, and she deserves to be single, or dating, or taking time off from dating, or getting married—if that's what she wants."

Lorz went on to say that, in the coming months, he may try to once again begin a relationship with Castlen, as their on-again, off-again casual flings "always seem to cheer her up."

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