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Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In

Castlen toasts to single life in the same bar she celebrated her engagement in.
Castlen toasts to single life in the same bar she celebrated her engagement in.

KINGSPORT, TN—Just six months after claiming she was ecstatic about moving in with her boyfriend, and a mere eight weeks after announcing that she "couldn't be happier" with their decision to take a brief time apart, administrative assistant Ann Castlen, 26, told friends Monday that she was absolutely thrilled to be single.

"Free at last!" Castlen said, nearly a year to the day after she informed several coworkers that she was emotionally ready to settle down and have children. "It's like this giant weight has been lifted off me and I can finally breathe. I'm just going to enjoy this time alone and do all those things I was dying to do when I was bogged down with [ex-boyfriend] Brandon [Weiter]."

According to friends, Castlen has expressed nearly identical feelings of elation upon returning to the dating scene, entering the initial phase of monogamous courtship, getting back together with an ex-boyfriend, developing a crush on a coworker, going on a series of blind dates, trying an open relationship, trying a long- distance relationship, and meeting a guy in a bar and having a passionate fling that she doesn't expect to go anywhere.

"When Ann was dating Brandon, she would never stop gushing about how sweet he is, and how he 'might be the one,'" said Castlen's friend and former college roommate Bridget Mauresco. "I thought she'd be crushed when they broke up. But the next day, she's going on and on about how 'amazing' it is to be able to stay out late without having to call somebody to check in."

"I haven't seen Ann this happy since she and Brandon promised to give their relationship one more shot two weeks ago," Mauresco added.

The newly single Castlen said she is delighted to finally have the chance to achieve several personal goals that she had no time to concentrate on while in a relationship, such as painting her apartment, catching up on the past three seasons of Project Runway, and training to run a marathon. According to Castlen, she plans to embrace the "me time" offered by singledom until she is ready to date again, at which point she will become overjoyed by the exhilarating feeling of a blossoming romance and repeatedly claim that she "deserves to be spoiled" by a nice guy for a while.

"I'm so happy right now!" said Castlen, who uttered these same exact words after Weiter first said 'I love you' to her, during the period in which she and Weiter underwent a brief split and were seeing other people, and when she had to choose between two boys who had crushes on her at sixth-grade summer camp.

Despite reporting no significant changes in living situation, availability of free time, job security, financial independence, or self-confidence since last Wednesday—when she told friends she was relieved to have finally escaped the bar scene—Castlen said she is now at the "best point in [her] life" to be single, and has already called her friend Mara Delung to arrange a night out to meet available men at Snooker's Pub.

"Last time I talked to Ann, she tried to set me up with one of her boyfriend's friends so I could 'have some stability in my life,'" Delung said. "Then she calls me yesterday and asks if speed dating is still a thing. Apparently, she's always wanted to try it but just couldn't when she was stuck with Brandon."

Added Delung, "Weren't they buying a house together?"

Having such an optimistic outlook on her love life is not uncommon for Castlen, who since reaching dating age has undergone more than 23 changes in relationship status, ranging from long-term abstinence to a brief but intense affair with a married man. The 26-year-old has also celebrated three serious relationships that lasted the perfect length of time, five just-what-she-needed dumpings, two hookups with ex-boyfriends that "gave her closure," and an abruptly canceled engagement that Castlen said she couldn't have planned better herself.

"I'm glad Ann's finally doing what makes her happy," ex-boyfriend Sam Lorz said. "She's a great girl, and she deserves to be single, or dating, or taking time off from dating, or getting married—if that's what she wants."

Lorz went on to say that, in the coming months, he may try to once again begin a relationship with Castlen, as their on-again, off-again casual flings "always seem to cheer her up."

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