adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Angered When Veiled Anger Expressed As Mock Anger Is Interpreted As Real Anger

CHEEKTOWAGA, NY—Anger was the order of the day Tuesday, when area resident Gwen McCullers, 41, reacted angrily to husband Craig's insinuation that she was angry. Sources report that real anger over an inexpensive, thoughtless anniversary gift surfaced in the form of thinly veiled mock anger on the part of Gwen, who suggested to Craig that "another goddamn cheap beaded car seat" would be a suitable gift for his mother's 70th birthday. Gwen's veiled anger, which she disguised as mock anger, turned to openly displayed real anger when Craig responded, "What? You said you didn't want to make a big deal out of the anniversary." After 15 minutes of discussing the various complexities, emotional underpinnings and larger implications of the previous discussion, both parties walked off angrily. "I was just pretending to be angry as a little joke," Gwen said angrily.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close