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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible

SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people to eat her, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really like this vanilla-coconut fragrance, but sometimes I like to switch it up and use this blueberry stuff I got at Sephora,” said the woman in what would seem to be a concerted effort on her part to make friends, dates, and fellow pedestrians want to place her in a bowl, put a pinch of sugar on her, and then consume her. “I just like to smell [like food, apparently].” At press time, Holden’s milk-chocolate-scented hair was being gnawed on by three of her coworkers.

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