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Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible

SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people to eat her, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really like this vanilla-coconut fragrance, but sometimes I like to switch it up and use this blueberry stuff I got at Sephora,” said the woman in what would seem to be a concerted effort on her part to make friends, dates, and fellow pedestrians want to place her in a bowl, put a pinch of sugar on her, and then consume her. “I just like to smell [like food, apparently].” At press time, Holden’s milk-chocolate-scented hair was being gnawed on by three of her coworkers.

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