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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible

SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people to eat her, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really like this vanilla-coconut fragrance, but sometimes I like to switch it up and use this blueberry stuff I got at Sephora,” said the woman in what would seem to be a concerted effort on her part to make friends, dates, and fellow pedestrians want to place her in a bowl, put a pinch of sugar on her, and then consume her. “I just like to smell [like food, apparently].” At press time, Holden’s milk-chocolate-scented hair was being gnawed on by three of her coworkers.

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