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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story

NEW YORK—Realizing she might as well relax a little until her allegations are deemed credible in 2055 or so, 28-year-old Jill Garza confirmed Tuesday that she just needed to sit tight for around 40 years until a few dozen more women corroborated her story of being sexually assaulted by a beloved celebrity. “There’s nothing really for me to do except hang out for a few decades and just keep an eye on how many other women come forward with stories horrifyingly similar to mine,” said Garza, adding that she didn’t really see any other option except waiting around until she was nearly 70 as similar accusations slowly accumulated. “Maybe I’ll kind of set the ball rolling and actually won’t have to wait more than a decade to be taken seriously, but for now I’ll just plan to stay put and check in with my believability as a rape victim every couple of years.” Garza went on to say that the man who assaulted her would likely never actually go to jail, so there wasn’t any point even thinking about that at all.


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