adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story

NEW YORK—Realizing she might as well relax a little until her allegations are deemed credible in 2055 or so, 28-year-old Jill Garza confirmed Tuesday that she just needed to sit tight for around 40 years until a few dozen more women corroborated her story of being sexually assaulted by a beloved celebrity. “There’s nothing really for me to do except hang out for a few decades and just keep an eye on how many other women come forward with stories horrifyingly similar to mine,” said Garza, adding that she didn’t really see any other option except waiting around until she was nearly 70 as similar accusations slowly accumulated. “Maybe I’ll kind of set the ball rolling and actually won’t have to wait more than a decade to be taken seriously, but for now I’ll just plan to stay put and check in with my believability as a rape victim every couple of years.” Garza went on to say that the man who assaulted her would likely never actually go to jail, so there wasn’t any point even thinking about that at all.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close