Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life

This man is content and has a fulfilling personal life, local shopper Lauren Connors is telling herself.
This man is content and has a fulfilling personal life, local shopper Lauren Connors is telling herself.

CINCINNATI—While checking out at the local Shoprite Monday, customer Lauren Connors, 36, reportedly concocted an entire narrative in which the man who was bagging her groceries enjoys his job and is content with his life.

“I bet he takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what products to put together in each bag, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks it’s really cool how each customer’s groceries present a new challenge,” Connors thought as she watched the expressionless worker place her $68.38 purchase into three brown paper bags. “This probably isn’t what he wants to do with the rest of his life, but he’s happy with where he is now, he likes helping people, and that’s great. He could probably make more money or do something else whenever he wanted. No rush, though.”

“He’s got his life figured out,” she added. “He’s fine.”

While she swiped her credit card and noticed the man in his early 30s delicately placing her eggs into an empty bag, reports confirm that Connors’ theoretical narrative became more fleshed out, with the buyer figuring that the grocery store clerk probably doesn’t even want to be sitting in an office from 9 to 5 anyway, and enjoys being on his feet and exchanging pleasantries with customers in a brightly lit supermarket.

As the grocery store employee asked in a monotone voice whether Connors wanted her groceries double- or single-bagged, she reportedly went on to think about how the man more than likely enjoys how stress-free his job is, and probably pities “working-class stiffs” who maybe have higher-paying jobs but stress about trivial things like repainting the living room or buying a third car.

In addition, Connors was certain the employee has a girlfriend whom he adores and who adores him and who is the only thing that truly matters to him in this world.

“The great thing is that he isn’t defined by his job and has tons of outside interests,” the woman thought, adding an imagined story wrinkle wherein the grocery store bagger happily high-fives his manager—with whom he has a great relationship—when his shift ends every night. “On weekends he goes camping and kayaks. Or he reads. He’s content just reading a book. That’s if he’s not watching sports with his friends or his family. He has a very close, loving relationship with his parents, who support him no matter what.”

“I’m glad he has all that love around him,” the woman mentally noted.

Sources confirmed that when the woman asked the bagger to keep the milk separate from the fruit, and the bagger proceeded to stare at her for an extra second and then nod, Connors thought about how he probably makes decent enough money and is saving a little bit every month to put a down payment on a house or maybe even go back to school for engineering, writing, or one of his many other interests.

After signing her receipt and telling the bagger thank you, Connors reportedly exited the store happy that the bagger was in such a good place in his life and ready for whatever the future held should an opportunity arise.

“Single- or double-bagged?” the bagger asked the next customer in line.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close