adBlockCheck

Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life

This man is content and has a fulfilling personal life, local shopper Lauren Connors is telling herself.
This man is content and has a fulfilling personal life, local shopper Lauren Connors is telling herself.

CINCINNATI—While checking out at the local Shoprite Monday, customer Lauren Connors, 36, reportedly concocted an entire narrative in which the man who was bagging her groceries enjoys his job and is content with his life.

“I bet he takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what products to put together in each bag, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks it’s really cool how each customer’s groceries present a new challenge,” Connors thought as she watched the expressionless worker place her $68.38 purchase into three brown paper bags. “This probably isn’t what he wants to do with the rest of his life, but he’s happy with where he is now, he likes helping people, and that’s great. He could probably make more money or do something else whenever he wanted. No rush, though.”

“He’s got his life figured out,” she added. “He’s fine.”

While she swiped her credit card and noticed the man in his early 30s delicately placing her eggs into an empty bag, reports confirm that Connors’ theoretical narrative became more fleshed out, with the buyer figuring that the grocery store clerk probably doesn’t even want to be sitting in an office from 9 to 5 anyway, and enjoys being on his feet and exchanging pleasantries with customers in a brightly lit supermarket.

As the grocery store employee asked in a monotone voice whether Connors wanted her groceries double- or single-bagged, she reportedly went on to think about how the man more than likely enjoys how stress-free his job is, and probably pities “working-class stiffs” who maybe have higher-paying jobs but stress about trivial things like repainting the living room or buying a third car.

In addition, Connors was certain the employee has a girlfriend whom he adores and who adores him and who is the only thing that truly matters to him in this world.

“The great thing is that he isn’t defined by his job and has tons of outside interests,” the woman thought, adding an imagined story wrinkle wherein the grocery store bagger happily high-fives his manager—with whom he has a great relationship—when his shift ends every night. “On weekends he goes camping and kayaks. Or he reads. He’s content just reading a book. That’s if he’s not watching sports with his friends or his family. He has a very close, loving relationship with his parents, who support him no matter what.”

“I’m glad he has all that love around him,” the woman mentally noted.

Sources confirmed that when the woman asked the bagger to keep the milk separate from the fruit, and the bagger proceeded to stare at her for an extra second and then nod, Connors thought about how he probably makes decent enough money and is saving a little bit every month to put a down payment on a house or maybe even go back to school for engineering, writing, or one of his many other interests.

After signing her receipt and telling the bagger thank you, Connors reportedly exited the store happy that the bagger was in such a good place in his life and ready for whatever the future held should an opportunity arise.

“Single- or double-bagged?” the bagger asked the next customer in line.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close