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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life

This man is content and has a fulfilling personal life, local shopper Lauren Connors is telling herself.
This man is content and has a fulfilling personal life, local shopper Lauren Connors is telling herself.

CINCINNATI—While checking out at the local Shoprite Monday, customer Lauren Connors, 36, reportedly concocted an entire narrative in which the man who was bagging her groceries enjoys his job and is content with his life.

“I bet he takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what products to put together in each bag, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks it’s really cool how each customer’s groceries present a new challenge,” Connors thought as she watched the expressionless worker place her $68.38 purchase into three brown paper bags. “This probably isn’t what he wants to do with the rest of his life, but he’s happy with where he is now, he likes helping people, and that’s great. He could probably make more money or do something else whenever he wanted. No rush, though.”

“He’s got his life figured out,” she added. “He’s fine.”

While she swiped her credit card and noticed the man in his early 30s delicately placing her eggs into an empty bag, reports confirm that Connors’ theoretical narrative became more fleshed out, with the buyer figuring that the grocery store clerk probably doesn’t even want to be sitting in an office from 9 to 5 anyway, and enjoys being on his feet and exchanging pleasantries with customers in a brightly lit supermarket.

As the grocery store employee asked in a monotone voice whether Connors wanted her groceries double- or single-bagged, she reportedly went on to think about how the man more than likely enjoys how stress-free his job is, and probably pities “working-class stiffs” who maybe have higher-paying jobs but stress about trivial things like repainting the living room or buying a third car.

In addition, Connors was certain the employee has a girlfriend whom he adores and who adores him and who is the only thing that truly matters to him in this world.

“The great thing is that he isn’t defined by his job and has tons of outside interests,” the woman thought, adding an imagined story wrinkle wherein the grocery store bagger happily high-fives his manager—with whom he has a great relationship—when his shift ends every night. “On weekends he goes camping and kayaks. Or he reads. He’s content just reading a book. That’s if he’s not watching sports with his friends or his family. He has a very close, loving relationship with his parents, who support him no matter what.”

“I’m glad he has all that love around him,” the woman mentally noted.

Sources confirmed that when the woman asked the bagger to keep the milk separate from the fruit, and the bagger proceeded to stare at her for an extra second and then nod, Connors thought about how he probably makes decent enough money and is saving a little bit every month to put a down payment on a house or maybe even go back to school for engineering, writing, or one of his many other interests.

After signing her receipt and telling the bagger thank you, Connors reportedly exited the store happy that the bagger was in such a good place in his life and ready for whatever the future held should an opportunity arise.

“Single- or double-bagged?” the bagger asked the next customer in line.

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