adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed. “She’s definitely moving forward and kind of pumping her arms some, so it sort of looks like jogging, but, boy, it’s a real stretch to call whatever that is ‘jogging,’” said eyewitness Curtis Stoeller, 29, adding that the woman, outfitted in a colorful lycra top and athletic pants, expensive running shoes, and an armband holding an iPod, appeared to be making some kind of shuffling motion with her feet, but wasn’t exerting nearly enough effort to approximate anything close to a jog, let alone a run. “It took her a long time to kind of lope past me on the sidewalk. If I just picked up my pace a little and walked briskly, I could catch up to her really fast. Jeez, is there even a word for what she’s doing?” At press time, the shambling woman was squirting what appeared to be a vitamin-fortified water into her mouth as she brought two fingers to her neck to check her pulse.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close