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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed. “She’s definitely moving forward and kind of pumping her arms some, so it sort of looks like jogging, but, boy, it’s a real stretch to call whatever that is ‘jogging,’” said eyewitness Curtis Stoeller, 29, adding that the woman, outfitted in a colorful lycra top and athletic pants, expensive running shoes, and an armband holding an iPod, appeared to be making some kind of shuffling motion with her feet, but wasn’t exerting nearly enough effort to approximate anything close to a jog, let alone a run. “It took her a long time to kind of lope past me on the sidewalk. If I just picked up my pace a little and walked briskly, I could catch up to her really fast. Jeez, is there even a word for what she’s doing?” At press time, the shambling woman was squirting what appeared to be a vitamin-fortified water into her mouth as she brought two fingers to her neck to check her pulse.

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