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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair

CLEVELAND—Saying that he has lately grown even more distant and secretive than usual, local woman Joyce Reynolds, 46, confided to reporters Monday that she has started to suspect her husband may be carrying on a second extramarital affair. “I can hear him whispering on the phone in the living room, and when I pick up the phone in the kitchen I can’t recognize the voice on the other end,” Reynolds said of her husband, 48-year-old Dan Reynolds, adding that she found a brand-new wristwatch in his desk drawer last week that was “way too gaudy” to be a gift from [mistress] Jessica [Schwartz]. “Lately he’s been saying he has to work late on Wednesdays, and he used to only tell me that on Thursdays, when he sees Jessica. Then last week when I was doing laundry, I went through his pockets and discovered he’s been carrying a third cell phone.” Reynolds also noted that the last time she tailed Schwartz’s car to see where she was going, Schwartz appeared to be tailing another woman’s car herself.

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