Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair

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Vol 50 Issue 02

President Curbing NSA Spying

In an effort to address citizens’ privacy and civil liberty concerns, President Obama announced today that intelligence agencies would now be required to obtain a court’s permission to access metadata from telephones.

Michelle Obama Turns 50

First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 years old today and will celebrate with a birthday party at the White House tomorrow night, which has been described on official invitations as an evening of “Snacks & Sips & Dancing & Dessert.” W...

Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats

In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative.

The Onion’s Oscar Picks

Following this morning’s announcement of the 86th Academy Awards nominations, many pundits are calling this year’s Oscar race one of the most wide open in recent memory.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

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Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair

CLEVELAND—Saying that he has lately grown even more distant and secretive than usual, local woman Joyce Reynolds, 46, confided to reporters Monday that she has started to suspect her husband may be carrying on a second extramarital affair. “I can hear him whispering on the phone in the living room, and when I pick up the phone in the kitchen I can’t recognize the voice on the other end,” Reynolds said of her husband, 48-year-old Dan Reynolds, adding that she found a brand-new wristwatch in his desk drawer last week that was “way too gaudy” to be a gift from [mistress] Jessica [Schwartz]. “Lately he’s been saying he has to work late on Wednesdays, and he used to only tell me that on Thursdays, when he sees Jessica. Then last week when I was doing laundry, I went through his pockets and discovered he’s been carrying a third cell phone.” Reynolds also noted that the last time she tailed Schwartz’s car to see where she was going, Schwartz appeared to be tailing another woman’s car herself.

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