Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous

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Vol 41 Issue 06

Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy

Dearest Sally, I can no longer hide what I've been feeling since the day you borrowed my pen at Kampus Koffee. If I don't let my emotions out, I'll burst with the sheer intensity of longing to be by your side. All day, every day, I think of nothing but you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, to the bottom of the deepest sea, or live with you at the top of the highest mountain. You are everything to me, and without you, I am just an insignificant speck in an uncaring universe. Say you'll be mine, and I'll give you the clouds, the sun, the rain, the sky—I will give you the whole world.

'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything

SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You could program a Season Pass so that you never miss the business report," Stavers said, after Shortridge complained that he couldn't get a mortgage. "I'm telling you, TiVo will change your life. Hey, I was right about the iPod, wasn't I?" Since purchasing a digital-video recorder in 2002, Stavers has urged Shortridge to buy one so he can "spend more time writing instead of sitting through all those commercials," "tape some fitness shows and find out how to get in shape," and "catch some funny movies" to help him get over his father's death.

Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension

WATERTOWN, MA—Joel Dashner, 34, interpreted acquaintance Lori Rezala's nervous shifting, awkward giggling, and inability to make eye contact at a mutual friend's dinner party as a sign of mounting sexual heat, Dashner said Monday. "I really hit it off with Lori," Dashner said. "We were both too jittery to really say much, but I could feel the spark between us. I'm sure neither of us will forget that magic moment when we bumped hands and spilled each other's drinks." Rezala later told reporters that Dashner "ruined one of her favorite sweaters and stared at [her] all night like he was some kind of crazy person."

Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics

WASHINGTON, DC—Fielding questions from reporters at a Tuesday press conference, President Bush defended his adherence to the principles of deny-side economics. "Nope," the president said. "I keep hearing people say that the U.S. economy is troubled, but that isn't true. Our economy is strong. We just have to keep on doing what we're doing, and everything will work out." Leading economists say they are curious to see whether the president's optimism will trickle down into the public consciousness.

Census Bureau: 9,000 To 15,000 People Work At Census Bureau

WASHINGTON, DC—According to 2004 figures released by the U.S. Census Bureau, between 9,000 and 15,000 people work at the Census Bureau. "It is difficult to obtain an accurate figure on Census Bureau employees, because workers frequently move from department to department," U.S. Census director Charles Kincannon said. "Also, many supervisors failed to return the mail-in forms that asked them to list how many employees they have." Kincannon warned all census-bureau employees to take the census-bureau census more seriously, under penalty of law.

Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Although NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue declared the Super Bowl XXXIX experiment with in-game product placement a success, fans and players expressed mixed feelings about the championship game Monday.

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

The FCC is currently reviewing its ban on the use of cell phones during flights, but many passengers say they like the restriction. What do you think?
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Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous

AUBURN, CA—After four months of romantic involvement, Wells Fargo mortgage lending assistant Heidi Bird, 27, said Monday that she is beginning to regret getting into a relationship with the carefree Jason Maddox.

Bird and Maddox spend an afternoon at home.

"Jason was everything I wanted in a boyfriend as recently as three months ago," Bird said. "I used to dream of meeting someone who knew how to have fun and didn't let himself get weighed down by formalities and obligations. But my dreams never had the part where that person doesn't call for a week, then drops by at 3 a.m. with a broken mannequin torso under his arm."

Bird said she was swept off her feet by the handsome

30-year-old in August, when she met him at a local park. A part-time bicycle-shop employee and occasional street musician, Maddox "was straight out of a romantic Hollywood movie," according to Bird.

"I was walking my dog Shadow when I heard someone call out to me from above," Bird said. "I looked up and saw Jason sitting on a tree branch. He told me he once had a dog like Shadow. Then he asked me to come on up and see the view. I don't usually do stuff like that, but he was so cute and intriguing that I tied Shadow to a bench and joined him up on the branch. We sat up there for two hours eating golden raisins and reading jokes from this kids' joke book he fished from the trash. It seemed magical—at the time."

Although she gave him her phone number, Bird didn't hear from Maddox until two weeks later, when he showed up at her office, thrust a bouquet of daisies into her hands, and began to serenade her on his ukulele.

"Jason showed up right in the middle of my busiest day of the week, and all of my coworkers were staring at him like he was nuts," Bird said. "But no one had ever done something like that for me before, and I just melted. It was such a wonderful resolution to the anxiety I'd been feeling because he hadn't called."

When she showed Maddox out of her building, the two kissed during the elevator ride to the lobby, commencing what Bird described as "a whirlwind love affair, complete with romance, laughter, and amazing sex."

In spite of the good times she has shared with him, Bird said Maddox's self-centered approach to romance has "gotten a little old."

"Last week, Jason showed up at my office, called me out of a staff meeting, and said we were going roller-skating," Bird said. "When I told him I couldn't, he was like, 'Well, what am I supposed to do with these roller skates I bought you for our 13-week anniversary?'"

Maddox woos Bird with a romantic gesture.

"He lacks a sense of timing—or time, really," Bird added. "When I got mad at him last month for not calling me for six days, he said he was sorry and explained that he'd been 'totally getting into Russia,' whatever that means."

Bird said that, during the initial weeks of her relationship with Maddox, she had hoped to one day accompany him on one of his spur-of-the-moment car trips. After getting lost on the way to Mono Lake with Maddox in November, however, Bird said she resolved "never to travel with Jason again."

"It was sweet that he wanted to sit by the lake holding me in his arms," Bird said. "But he could've had some idea of how to get there. Maybe he didn't mind sleeping in the car at a rest stop, but my shoulder blade still aches from where the seat spring dug into it all night."

Although Maddox frequently demonstrates his affection for Bird, she said his gestures no longer move her.

"Oh, yeah, Jason gave me that," said Bird, waving toward a 6-foot-tall plush bunny in the corner of her office. "There was a time I would've been really into it, but now I'm just wondering how much it cost and if I'll need to buy us both dinner next Tuesday."

Bird added: "I should really get that thing out of here before my supervisor sees it."

Therapist and author Sue Merrill said people often don't foresee the pitfalls of dating a spontaneous person.

"In order to have a viable relationship, you must either match his erratic behavior point-for-point, or maintain an almost bulletproof independence," Merrill said. "Vulnerability is fatal. Ask yourself this, 'Do I have the stamina to water my plants one moment, float in a hot-air balloon an hour later, spend eight days alone, then stand in line at a bail-bonds office until 1 a.m. on a Tuesday?'"

While Bird has no immediate plans to break up with Maddox, she said she"sometimes fantasize[s] about what it would be like to date someone less whimsical."

"I still like Jason a lot," Bird said. "But I swear: The next time he starts to juggle, it's over."

Bird's ex-boyfriend Steve Dandridge, whom she left last May after telling him he was "too boring," said his mellow, undemanding personality might offer Bird a refreshing change.

"I hear that guy she's going out with is running her ragged," Dandridge said. "I guess I could feel happy that I got my revenge, but the truth is, I still miss her. Heidi, if you want me back in your life, gimme a call. I usually go get dinner at 6:45 or 7:00, but I'm always back before CSI starts at 8:00."

Maddox was unavailable for comment, as he was assembling a Cupid costume out of a bed sheet and applying to film school in Poland.

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