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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman Bids Farewell To Former Self Before Beginning New Skin Care Regimen

CHANUTE, KS—Taking one last long look at herself in the bathroom mirror, local woman Enid Mulvey bid farewell to her former self Monday before beginning a brand-new skin care regimen. “When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different—a whole new woman will be born,” said Mulvey, preparing for the complete transformation that was to come from the moisturizer, toner, and exfoliant she had just purchased and had arrayed on the edge of the sink. “This is the moment where I part ways forever with my old life. Soon I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, fresh and beautiful, a vision of loveliness that did not exist but hours ago. Adieu, my ordinary self, adieu!” At press time, Mulvey’s eyes were puffed up and her skin was covered in hives after suffering an allergic reaction to her new makeup remover.

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