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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Woman Builds Ironclad Case Proving Mila Kunis Looks Bad Without Makeup

MILFORD, DE—After several months spent compiling and analyzing hundreds of magazine articles, internet slideshows, and transcripts of the television program Entertainment Tonight, area woman Erin Ward, 27, presented to her boyfriend on Monday her ironclad case proving actress Mila Kunis looks bad without makeup, sources are confirming. “Evidence of the disparity in Ms. Kunis’ attractiveness with makeup versus sans makeup dates back to 2007 at the earliest and is, as you can see, stark and irrefutable,” said Ward, gesturing to a corkboard-mounted flowchart chronicling all of Kunis’ public appearances in the past five years. “I’d like to direct your attention to Sample A, this photograph of Ms. Kunis on the red carpet of the 2012 People’s Choice Awards. Now compare that to this photograph of her in a restaurant just two weeks later when she was not wearing makeup. Note the puffier eyes, the saggier cheeks, the pale complexion. Please note as well that, should further evidence be required, I have five full boxes’ worth of documents supporting this very same conclusion.” Ward ended her 35-minute briefing by confirming that, sadly, her findings have thus far been persistently ignored and distorted by the mainstream media, though never disproven.

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