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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Woman Builds Ironclad Case Proving Mila Kunis Looks Bad Without Makeup

MILFORD, DE—After several months spent compiling and analyzing hundreds of magazine articles, internet slideshows, and transcripts of the television program Entertainment Tonight, area woman Erin Ward, 27, presented to her boyfriend on Monday her ironclad case proving actress Mila Kunis looks bad without makeup, sources are confirming. “Evidence of the disparity in Ms. Kunis’ attractiveness with makeup versus sans makeup dates back to 2007 at the earliest and is, as you can see, stark and irrefutable,” said Ward, gesturing to a corkboard-mounted flowchart chronicling all of Kunis’ public appearances in the past five years. “I’d like to direct your attention to Sample A, this photograph of Ms. Kunis on the red carpet of the 2012 People’s Choice Awards. Now compare that to this photograph of her in a restaurant just two weeks later when she was not wearing makeup. Note the puffier eyes, the saggier cheeks, the pale complexion. Please note as well that, should further evidence be required, I have five full boxes’ worth of documents supporting this very same conclusion.” Ward ended her 35-minute briefing by confirming that, sadly, her findings have thus far been persistently ignored and distorted by the mainstream media, though never disproven.

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