adBlockCheck

Personal Growth

Area Man Self-Conscious About All The Wrong Things

MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the complet...

Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort

ALBANY, NY—In what impressed coworkers are describing as an unprecedented application of minimal exertion, local office worker Doug Slater is reportedly just about pushing himself to the point of basic effort, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Personal Growth

Woman Celebrates 4th Year Of Weaning Self Off Facebook

PITTSBURGH—Renewing her intention to cut back a little and only log onto the social network a few times a week at most, area woman Kathy Ward reportedly celebrated her fourth anniversary Tuesday of weaning herself off Facebook. “I realized that I just waste so much time on Facebook every single day, so from now on I’m going to really start limiting myself,” the 31-year-old told reporters, restating a declaration she first made in early 2011 and has reiterated roughly every two weeks since. “If I can hold myself to only checking it on the weekends for a while, then eventually I can get down to one session a week, and at that point it’ll be easy to just quit altogether. I don’t even know who half my friends are anyway.” At press time, Ward was on Facebook.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close