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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Woman Celebrates 4th Year Of Weaning Self Off Facebook

PITTSBURGH—Renewing her intention to cut back a little and only log onto the social network a few times a week at most, area woman Kathy Ward reportedly celebrated her fourth anniversary Tuesday of weaning herself off Facebook. “I realized that I just waste so much time on Facebook every single day, so from now on I’m going to really start limiting myself,” the 31-year-old told reporters, restating a declaration she first made in early 2011 and has reiterated roughly every two weeks since. “If I can hold myself to only checking it on the weekends for a while, then eventually I can get down to one session a week, and at that point it’ll be easy to just quit altogether. I don’t even know who half my friends are anyway.” At press time, Ward was on Facebook.

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