Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead

PITTSBURGH—Using her fingernail as if it were a heavy iron chisel while digging into the little red bump on the surface of her skin, 29-year-old Mya Landreth excitedly excavated an ingrown hair around her bikini line Monday like a 19th-century grave robber plundering the spoils of the dead, sources confirmed. “Almost there,” said Landreth, a smile reportedly playing across her face as she watched her flesh begin to give way, her index finger expertly scraping at the area as if she were a skilled looter carefully prying open the sealed crypt of a long-dead pharaoh or tribal chieftain to pillage the untold riches that awaited inside. “Got it!” she is said to have cried triumphantly as she hoisted from the depths her prize: a single hair that had once curled in on itself underneath her skin but had now been unearthed from its burial mound and, much like a trove of gold jewelry and loose gemstones that had sat undisturbed for hundreds of years, was now hers for the taking. Seeking to prolong the exhilarating thrill she felt after securing such a precious bounty, Landreth was at press time already scouring other areas of her flesh for a stray pimple or blackhead just as a veteran body snatcher silently hunts under cover of night for the telltale signs of a freshly dug grave.

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