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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Woman Digs Excitedly Into Ingrown Hair Around Bikini Line Like Grave Robber Pillaging Spoils Of The Dead

PITTSBURGH—Using her fingernail as if it were a heavy iron chisel while digging into the little red bump on the surface of her skin, 29-year-old Mya Landreth excitedly excavated an ingrown hair around her bikini line Monday like a 19th-century grave robber plundering the spoils of the dead, sources confirmed. “Almost there,” said Landreth, a smile reportedly playing across her face as she watched her flesh begin to give way, her index finger expertly scraping at the area as if she were a skilled looter carefully prying open the sealed crypt of a long-dead pharaoh or tribal chieftain to pillage the untold riches that awaited inside. “Got it!” she is said to have cried triumphantly as she hoisted from the depths her prize: a single hair that had once curled in on itself underneath her skin but had now been unearthed from its burial mound and, much like a trove of gold jewelry and loose gemstones that had sat undisturbed for hundreds of years, was now hers for the taking. Seeking to prolong the exhilarating thrill she felt after securing such a precious bounty, Landreth was at press time already scouring other areas of her flesh for a stray pimple or blackhead just as a veteran body snatcher silently hunts under cover of night for the telltale signs of a freshly dug grave.

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