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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman Dozing At Coffee Shop Has That Dave Eggers Sex Dream Again

IOWA CITY, IA—Freshly jolted awake from a peach-tea-induced nap, Sumatra Café patron Laurie Dubar said she had that same sex dream about bestselling author Dave Eggers. "I'm lying on the couch naked, and Dave is next to me, also naked, reading Salon on his laptop," said Dubar, a 34-year-old Iowa Writers' Workshop instructor. "Suddenly, he turns to me and says, 'Could you help me edit a collection of short fiction?' and I can't control myself any longer." Dubar said she always wakes up just as Sarah Vowell walks in wearing a kimono.

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