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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Woman Ejected From Bed In Cracker-Eating Incident

IRVINE, CA—Citing "insufficient looks," Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming Saltines. According to Hausner, Glass was not attractive enough to warrant special in-bed cracker-eating privileges. "Had she looked like Claudia Schiffer, I most certainly would have let the transgression slide and allowed her to stay in my bed and get crumbs all over the sheets," Hausner said. "But she doesn't, so I had no choice but to kick her out."

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