adBlockCheck

Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again

Top Headlines

Recent News

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again

SAN DIEGO—Explaining that she had needed a few months to herself to “get back to the right emotional place,” local woman Laura Berman told reporters Monday she finally felt ready to start receiving completely unsolicited and extremely vulgar messages again. “It was really important to have some time to regroup, but now I think I’m ready to put myself out there again,” said Berman, who stated that, after careful consideration, she has decided to open herself back up to a relentless barrage of sexually explicit and unwelcome emails and texts from strangers. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad I waited until I was mentally prepared to start [opening crude and offensive messages from men who I’ve only spoken to briefly, if at all, that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and then after I’ve politely asked them to stop, being bombarded with obscene insults and sometimes violent threats that make me terrified to even look at my phone]. I think it’s time.” At press time, Berman reportedly expressed surprise at how easy it was to get back in the swing of things after opening three consecutive messages containing photos of various unknown men’s genitals.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close