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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again

SAN DIEGO—Explaining that she had needed a few months to herself to “get back to the right emotional place,” local woman Laura Berman told reporters Monday she finally felt ready to start receiving completely unsolicited and extremely vulgar messages again. “It was really important to have some time to regroup, but now I think I’m ready to put myself out there again,” said Berman, who stated that, after careful consideration, she has decided to open herself back up to a relentless barrage of sexually explicit and unwelcome emails and texts from strangers. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad I waited until I was mentally prepared to start [opening crude and offensive messages from men who I’ve only spoken to briefly, if at all, that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and then after I’ve politely asked them to stop, being bombarded with obscene insults and sometimes violent threats that make me terrified to even look at my phone]. I think it’s time.” At press time, Berman reportedly expressed surprise at how easy it was to get back in the swing of things after opening three consecutive messages containing photos of various unknown men’s genitals.

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