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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall

CLINTON, CT—Joan Cruzan, a 39-year-old graphic designer and frequent factory outlet shopper, discovered her imperfect mate at the Clinton Crossing outlet mall Sunday. "You wouldnt call him a perfect fit. He seems a bit faded, one arm is longer than the other, and he's little too large in the waist. But if you don't look too close, he's fine," Cruzan said. "Main thing is, he's comfortable, and perfect for just knocking around the house." Cruzan added that since her new mate cost her very little emotionally, she will have no problem leaving him on the curb if he unravels.

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