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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall

CLINTON, CT—Joan Cruzan, a 39-year-old graphic designer and frequent factory outlet shopper, discovered her imperfect mate at the Clinton Crossing outlet mall Sunday. "You wouldnt call him a perfect fit. He seems a bit faded, one arm is longer than the other, and he's little too large in the waist. But if you don't look too close, he's fine," Cruzan said. "Main thing is, he's comfortable, and perfect for just knocking around the house." Cruzan added that since her new mate cost her very little emotionally, she will have no problem leaving him on the curb if he unravels.

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