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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits

BROOKLYN, NY—Blushing in pleasant surprise after receiving the admiring attentions of a pedestrian Tuesday morning, local woman Maley Phillips, 25, told friends she was genuinely flattered when an absolute stranger approached her and said the nicest thing about her tits. “They say chivalry is dead, but without any prompting or encouragement, this man on the street—someone I had never met in my life—came right up to me and complimented me on my breasts,” said Phillips, noting that the amorous gentleman paid further praise to her figure by calling on other passersby to “get a load of that rack” and check out her “sweet ass.” “And to think I’d just been walking along with my head down trying to ignore everyone in my path. It’s really nice to know there are people out there kind and thoughtful enough to tell me they want to motorboat my huge tits. It made my whole day.” At press time, Phillips’ delight had reportedly been extended when the man trailed her for an additional 50 feet and flirtingly asked where she was going.

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