adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits

BROOKLYN, NY—Blushing in pleasant surprise after receiving the admiring attentions of a pedestrian Tuesday morning, local woman Maley Phillips, 25, told friends she was genuinely flattered when an absolute stranger approached her and said the nicest thing about her tits. “They say chivalry is dead, but without any prompting or encouragement, this man on the street—someone I had never met in my life—came right up to me and complimented me on my breasts,” said Phillips, noting that the amorous gentleman paid further praise to her figure by calling on other passersby to “get a load of that rack” and check out her “sweet ass.” “And to think I’d just been walking along with my head down trying to ignore everyone in my path. It’s really nice to know there are people out there kind and thoughtful enough to tell me they want to motorboat my huge tits. It made my whole day.” At press time, Phillips’ delight had reportedly been extended when the man trailed her for an additional 50 feet and flirtingly asked where she was going.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close