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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits

BROOKLYN, NY—Blushing in pleasant surprise after receiving the admiring attentions of a pedestrian Tuesday morning, local woman Maley Phillips, 25, told friends she was genuinely flattered when an absolute stranger approached her and said the nicest thing about her tits. “They say chivalry is dead, but without any prompting or encouragement, this man on the street—someone I had never met in my life—came right up to me and complimented me on my breasts,” said Phillips, noting that the amorous gentleman paid further praise to her figure by calling on other passersby to “get a load of that rack” and check out her “sweet ass.” “And to think I’d just been walking along with my head down trying to ignore everyone in my path. It’s really nice to know there are people out there kind and thoughtful enough to tell me they want to motorboat my huge tits. It made my whole day.” At press time, Phillips’ delight had reportedly been extended when the man trailed her for an additional 50 feet and flirtingly asked where she was going.

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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