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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman Fulfills Manifest Destiny Of Hardwood Floor Throughout Home

EDINA, MN—Moved by a grand and profound force to expand her maple-finish domain beyond its limited borders in the kitchen, area woman Linda Ellison finally achieved her own manifest destiny of hardwood floors throughout her home this week, sources confirmed. “Though I understood it would be a long, arduous journey that would likely take many years to complete, I always knew deep down that one day, I would be able to look out across high-gloss, select-grade wood panels stretching all the way from the foyer to the back guest room,” said Ellison, who, despite numerous obstacles, never wavered in her pursuit of covering all 1,900 square feet of her ranch-style home in a varnished, light-tone flooring. “Finding mold in the den underneath the old Berber carpeting and having to reroute some electrical work may have temporarily slowed us, but nothing could stop our advancement. Now, at long last, every corner of the concrete subfloor has been covered in interlocking 2-and-a-quarter-inch hardwood, and this fated vision has become reality.” Sources noted, however, that Ellison’s full-scale transformation of the household landscape had come at the cost of the forced relocation of her husband’s favorite recliner to the basement.

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