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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun

THE HEAVENS—Saying the additional light source would help soften the often stark look of the earthly realm, God, Our Holy Father, told reporters Monday that He was planning to add a second sun to eliminate some harsh shadows that have been bothering him.
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Woman, Gay Best Friend Go On Another One Of Their Little Adventures

The fun-loving duo in the midst of another one of their crazy escapades.
The fun-loving duo in the midst of another one of their crazy escapades.

PASADENA, CA—With the intention of letting loose, hitting the town, and maybe even "getting into a little mischief," Christine Fehrman, 33, and her closest gay friend Paul Daganais, 28, have embarked on yet another one of their special little adventures, sources confirmed Thursday.

The latest in an ongoing series of spirited, anything-goes escapades, the day reportedly began with its usual hour of preparation at Fehrman's apartment, where the pair cycled through dozens of potential wardrobe combinations, covering the floor with clothing and accessories Daganais emphatically rejected as "not fun enough."

"After the amazing time we had last weekend eating crostini and browsing through Forever 21 together, I was just counting down the minutes until Paul's car pulled up and we could do it all over again," said Fehrman, adding that, as usual, she planned to document every step of the ever-so-precious trip with Instagram. "He's one of my only guy friends I can just forget about everything and be crazy spontaneous with."

"One minute we could be eating lobster rolls at a food truck, and the next we're kicking off our shoes for barefoot cartwheels in the park," she continued. "You just never know where the day is going to go with Paul."

According to sources, in what has become a standard ritual during their carefree little excursions, the two got in the mood en route to their first engagement of the day—brunch at a Peruvian café Fehrman saw advertised on Groupon—by rolling down the windows of Daganais' car and unself-consciously singing along to a playlist that alternated between Adele and Florence + the Machine.

Following brief back-and-forth banter about what it would be like if they dated, the two were overheard discussing whether to stroll by a nearby street fair, split a couple of mini éclairs, or get lemon-walnut foot scrubs at the local day spa, saying they didn't want to rule out the possibility of ducking into an expensive boutique so they could try on floppy hats and sunglasses "just because."

Sources estimated that over the six hours they spent together, Daganais playfully called Fehrman a bitch 9 times, while she called him a slut 14 times—a tally believed to be about average for one of their little Saturday to-dos.

"Fair warning, everybody better watch out, because [Paul] and [Christine] are on the loose again," said Daganais, using nicknames the self-described best friends in the world had made up for each other during one of their previous fancy-free romps. "Maybe this time we'll stumble upon the perfect little cheese shop, or start a spontaneous two-person dance party at the mall, or waste $20 doing silly poses in a photo booth—who knows?"

"As usual, we'll probably figure out where we're going once we get there," he added.

After riding through the park on rented bicycles, sampling artisanal cocktails at a local bar, and talking trash about the despised boyfriend of their mutual friend Charlotte while simultaneously expressing concern for Charlotte's troublesome relationship hang-ups, the pair reportedly wound up at a hidden gem of a restaurant they'd been talking about all week, where they enjoyed beet and goat cheese salads, both ordering dressing on the side.

"We don't always achieve what we set out to do, but that's part of the fun for me," Fehrman said. "Really as long as Paul and I are spending time together, we could be trapped in a cave for all I care."

Expecting to be famished and exhausted by the end of their daylong frolic, Fehrman and Daganais said they planned to return to one of their apartments, whip up a batch of their favorite double-chocolate-chip cookies, and cuddle on the couch in front of Strictly Ballroom, as they always do at the end of these things.

More from this section

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:

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