adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman, Gay Best Friend Go On Another One Of Their Little Adventures

The fun-loving duo in the midst of another one of their crazy escapades.
The fun-loving duo in the midst of another one of their crazy escapades.

PASADENA, CA—With the intention of letting loose, hitting the town, and maybe even "getting into a little mischief," Christine Fehrman, 33, and her closest gay friend Paul Daganais, 28, have embarked on yet another one of their special little adventures, sources confirmed Thursday.

The latest in an ongoing series of spirited, anything-goes escapades, the day reportedly began with its usual hour of preparation at Fehrman's apartment, where the pair cycled through dozens of potential wardrobe combinations, covering the floor with clothing and accessories Daganais emphatically rejected as "not fun enough."

"After the amazing time we had last weekend eating crostini and browsing through Forever 21 together, I was just counting down the minutes until Paul's car pulled up and we could do it all over again," said Fehrman, adding that, as usual, she planned to document every step of the ever-so-precious trip with Instagram. "He's one of my only guy friends I can just forget about everything and be crazy spontaneous with."

"One minute we could be eating lobster rolls at a food truck, and the next we're kicking off our shoes for barefoot cartwheels in the park," she continued. "You just never know where the day is going to go with Paul."

According to sources, in what has become a standard ritual during their carefree little excursions, the two got in the mood en route to their first engagement of the day—brunch at a Peruvian café Fehrman saw advertised on Groupon—by rolling down the windows of Daganais' car and unself-consciously singing along to a playlist that alternated between Adele and Florence + the Machine.

Following brief back-and-forth banter about what it would be like if they dated, the two were overheard discussing whether to stroll by a nearby street fair, split a couple of mini éclairs, or get lemon-walnut foot scrubs at the local day spa, saying they didn't want to rule out the possibility of ducking into an expensive boutique so they could try on floppy hats and sunglasses "just because."

Sources estimated that over the six hours they spent together, Daganais playfully called Fehrman a bitch 9 times, while she called him a slut 14 times—a tally believed to be about average for one of their little Saturday to-dos.

"Fair warning, everybody better watch out, because [Paul] and [Christine] are on the loose again," said Daganais, using nicknames the self-described best friends in the world had made up for each other during one of their previous fancy-free romps. "Maybe this time we'll stumble upon the perfect little cheese shop, or start a spontaneous two-person dance party at the mall, or waste $20 doing silly poses in a photo booth—who knows?"

"As usual, we'll probably figure out where we're going once we get there," he added.

After riding through the park on rented bicycles, sampling artisanal cocktails at a local bar, and talking trash about the despised boyfriend of their mutual friend Charlotte while simultaneously expressing concern for Charlotte's troublesome relationship hang-ups, the pair reportedly wound up at a hidden gem of a restaurant they'd been talking about all week, where they enjoyed beet and goat cheese salads, both ordering dressing on the side.

"We don't always achieve what we set out to do, but that's part of the fun for me," Fehrman said. "Really as long as Paul and I are spending time together, we could be trapped in a cave for all I care."

Expecting to be famished and exhausted by the end of their daylong frolic, Fehrman and Daganais said they planned to return to one of their apartments, whip up a batch of their favorite double-chocolate-chip cookies, and cuddle on the couch in front of Strictly Ballroom, as they always do at the end of these things.

More from this section

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close