Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Getting Stood Up On First Date Got All Drunk For Nothing

PORTLAND, OR—Saying she couldn’t believe she went to all the effort, 26-year-old Kara Velasquez expressed anger and frustration Tuesday at having gotten completely drunk just to be stood up on a first date. “What the fuck—I spent the last hour getting plastered for this?” said Velasquez, slurring and partially spilling her wine onto the bar at the Cavern Pub, where she had arrived early with the express intent of getting highly intoxicated before her date arrived. “I am totally shitfaced now, and for what? To have this asshole Greg or Craig or Tim or whatever flake on me? Unbelievable!” Determined not to have the evening be a total waste, Velasquez told reporters she planned to text an ex-boyfriend, but at press time, was vomiting in an alleyway in the rain.

More Videos


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.